Monday, September 19, 2011

Home on the Range Women


When I wrote the post about the Home on the Range Man, I got more comments on it than about anything I'd written at that point. But several have asked about being a Home on the Range Woman. I had written a short piece about that a while back but thought about it again when I was in a grocery and spotted one of those woman's magazines, You know the ones I'm talking about, where on the cover is some anorexic airhead showing enough skin to make a hooker blush, too much makeup and touting all kinds of articles on how to trap a man by being something other than your true self, and once you have done so, how to CHANGE him so he's some wimpy, henpecked version of the original.

I can "put on my face" in the time it takes to apply tinted sunscreen, cherry flavored lip gloss and a little mascara, and I will likely never go out in public wearing some outfit that costs $500. But it's more than that that makes me a a Home on the Range Woman, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So with that, how to you know if are a HOTR woman?

1. Any salesman that ventures to your place while the garage is open can't help but notice the man sized target with 50 holes in the chest, head and groin area. For some reason, you don't get many sales calls any more.


2. The day after Christmas you go to the gun range just to see everyone's new toys.

3. You don't think camping involves a hairdryer or a portable TV.

4. You know the value of a dollar because you work hard to earn your own dollars.


5. You don't force your beliefs on others. If you don't want a gun, you don't buy one; you don't demand laws so that NO law abiding citizen can have one.

6. You'd rather watch Mythbusters or Top Gear than Dancing with the Stars.

7. Your dog has more emergency rations than 90% of the U.S. population.


8. Your property is more secure than Area 51.

9. You can fix a toilet, change the oil in your vehicle and put dinner on the table for a crowd without asking for help. If you find a spider the size of a Buick in the bathroom you will, however, immediately holler for backup.

10. You know that if you believe the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you need a geography lesson, but a good pecan pie never hurts.


11. The checker at the local home improvement store knows you by name.

12. The local deli saves up their 5 gallon buckets for you.

13. "Girls Day Out" involves lead residue.



14. You've used a Gerber tool to cut a steak at a fine dining establishment.

15. If the power fails in the local movie theater you can show yourself out with your mini mag.

16. The books on your coffee table include two reloading manuals and a a zombie survival guide.


17. Your knife collection has its own footlocker.

18. You've laughed til it hurt through a Steven Seagal movie and found out afterward that it wasn't a comedy.

19, You avoid opening day of the stores after a holiday, but will journey for hundreds of miles to be at the start of an adventure.

21. Not only can you recognize the sound of a generator from a half mile away, but you also know the brand, horsepower and the kilowatts per hour that it is putting out.

22. You consider reloading equipment as "decorative furnishings".

23. If you need something, be it food, a car or health care, you go shopping for it, or choose a job that provides a means for it. You don't demand that the government pay for it with your neighbors hard earned money.

24. You refuse to place the word "person" after mail, fire, congress, etc., and instead still use "man". You look at some female Congress members and you could definitely think of another word for them, but it's NOT congressperson. That just sounds silly.

25. When you come up against something tough you don't think "who can do this instead of me", you think "how can I handle this".

26. You've shot and field dressed your own dinner more than once.


27. You don't know anyone that voted for Clinton.

28. If you see something that is a threat to you, you think about how to defeat it. You don't plan on how to surrender gracefully while still looking good.

29. People don't come to your house for "tofu croquettes".


30. As a woman, you realize that for some silly reason you are still considered a "minority". As such, you see yourself as someone capable through your own efforts, NOT as a victim in need of government protection, special laws, and favored hiring practices. You can't legislate respect, you must earn it.


31. You can stand on your own, but if you are blessed, there is a day you can look up into the eyes of one like yourself. Eyes the color of a winter morning, holding all the power and magic of the sky. In those eyes you will see the strong spirit of someone who still believes. Someone who still holds on to the hopes and the faith of past generations, when hard work meant something and craftsmanship was its own value, someone who believes that character counts and actions speak louder than promises. Someone that still dreams.

45 comments:

  1. Not 100% for my lovely wife, but close.

    Honestly even if she was only 10% HotR she would be a better woman than most.

    Yes. In this world 10% HotR is high above average anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Right on, Brigid! I don't fit all those categories, but most! Don't know what I'd do without your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  3. North is correct, and my wife is also close to 100% on your scale.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have to say that I find the tight grouping in the "nether" region most disturbing.

    I can't find any written doctrine that advocates two to center body mass, one to the groin, then assess.

    Maybe I need to update my library.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sounds like a pretty good checklist to give to the daughter.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Some women demand all the respect they'll never get with signs and protests and loud chants. Those women walk around with chips on their shoulder trying to butcher our language into some castrated gender-neutral monstrosity, to with the gender-neutral "men" who they claim to favor.

    That Home On The Range Woman (and others like her) seems to realize that just by going about the business of being an excellent *woman* she can attain all the respect she'll ever need. Great post Brigid.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Capt Schmoe - I had extra bullets and every other important part of him was already full of big holes.

    MDG - welcome!

    ReplyDelete
  8. "If you find a spider the size of a Buick on the wall in the bathroom you will, however, holler for backup."

    Why, oh, why, are the spiders always in the bathtub here at the Chez? Sometimes, I will find the massive (20-pound) box of Tide from Sam's Club in an odd location in the house, and I know------------there's an arachnid corpse in need of disposal underneath.............

    ReplyDelete
  9. "I will find the massive (20-pound) box of Tide from Sam's Club in an odd location in the house"

    That made me snort out loud! That has to be a hormonal thing...

    ReplyDelete
  10. I still remember the spider incident.

    :)

    Too bad there aren't more like you Brigid. We'd all be better off.

    Except the hippies.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This should be printed by every man for use when he gets the itch to ask a lady out...saves time.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm lucky to have a couple of fairly HOTR gals right here at home...

    My little gal is starting to worry that there aren't many 31's left...

    I'm starting to worry there might be a 31 looking like your garage target art someday...

    Dann in Ohio

    ReplyDelete
  13. My kinda woman!

    Too bad that they're so rare today.

    ReplyDelete
  14. But the range up here is usually really cold Dec. 26. Any adjustments to the list for colder climates? Frostbite is not fun, and really cold temps could be really bad for brand new rifles, you know tight barrel plus contraction from cold. In those temps even an AK might actually produce a group rather than a pattern.

    Don't fit your list all that well. I am perfectly willing to let hubby be chivalrous by doing the hunting and field dressing. I'll help skin the deer, butcher it, and cook it. Division of labor when possible can be quite nice.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm not a complete HOTR Woman (I have conflicting personality traits, as all my real-life friends can attest to). But I loved the spider part, agree completely about camping, was completely giddy over Top Gun the past week, and have used a pocket knife to cut steak before. (sadly, my gerber is currently AWOL). Great post, as ususal.

    ReplyDelete
  16. That's a mighty fine looking pecan pie, Brigid!

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Mrs. S, why not shoot in your fur coat?

    Here's another one, Brigid: a HOTR Woman thinks that "accessorizing" is finding a red dot scope for the AR.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Not bad...not bad at all.
    Most women I find to be supportive and/or enablers.
    My Bud/ princess is the boss and would plug a bullet hole in me, watch my six with two guns, work four hours making dinner for eight with a bad back, send me on a two week walk-a-bout so she could relax for a week [and she knows when I have cabin fever], but she will not clean a fish nor anything she deems 'a guys job'.
    It works for us.
    I always open her doors and she will sometimes slam that door if I screw up...again.

    ReplyDelete
  19. A caption for the bear pic:

    Boo-boo said that Brigid had made a pic-a-nic basket.....

    ReplyDelete
  20. I reckon to be somewhere around 70% - while the gun manuals are not on the coffee table, they are on the nightstands as bedtime reading, I figure that counts...

    On the other hand, I've been known to scream like a girl for backup when a huge spider falls/jumps from the shower curtain onto places no arachnid should ever go!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I don't completely fit it. If I had more money, I'd come closer. But on the spider the size of a Buick? I'd call my sons in; we'd comment on what a really, really, COOL spider it is, and install it in a window corner to help with fly control. :)

    About groin shots.... heh heh heh.
    I was out at the base range one time when the security guys were doing their shotgun quals. They had 6 shells left over and asked if I'd like to fire them off as a short course. First position was from the hip, and the 00 buck spanged off the lower support rail of the silhouette target and laced a crescent bottom-center. Every guy there (I was the only gal) instantly bent at the hips and did the standing leg cross. The chief Master at Arms kinda coughed a couple times, then said, "Ah, yeah, that would definitely put a man down, but you want to get the pellets on the paper." The First Class MAA added, "Please?!"

    ReplyDelete
  22. Scout 26 - the IND HOTR ladies definitely appreciated the invite. We will all have a grand time. And there will be reinforcements up there during the stem cell transplant.

    Silverdrake - GREAT story!

    Off to the coal mines! Later :0)

    ReplyDelete
  23. I different way to express similar things, but this reminds me of the Trace Adkins song Chrome. (Forget all of the girly colors - the girl loves chrome.)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Given your presumed line of work, body armor and a Sig would easily exceed that $500 outfit unless those are considered accessories. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Well.... I think I did okay.. Except for:

    1. Garage is too full of automotive tolls to have room for such a nice display of shooty goodness.

    6. I watch all three shows.

    13. Do darts count?

    16. No shooty books on my coffee table; however Texas Fish and Game is usually there, which has some shoot stuff in it.

    17. Do darts count?

    26. Ewww! But I would shoot and field dress something if I had to, but does fishing count?

    27. My worst flaw and I can't believe I'm admitting this but I voted for the guy... regretted it immediately though.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Love this post! Gives me a few goals to work toward. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I LOVE IT!! Although I may not resemble that list to a T, there's a few I do and I do have other skills to meet a HOTR Woman type. May I add one... having a Tridium night sights on my BUG :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. 9. You can fix a toilet, change the oil in your vehicle and put dinner on the table for a crowd without asking for help. If you find a spider the size of a Buick in the bathroom you will, however, immediately holler for backup.

    Good call on the backup. Replacing shot up bathtubs just get's too expensive. "I know he's got 8 legs, but did ya have to shoot him 8 times??"

    ReplyDelete
  29. Always a classic, both Brigid and the HOTR women post!
    I trained a woman one time, from never handled a firearm to shooting my Gold Cup incessantly @ the crotch of the IPSC target. And pumping her arm 'YES!" with every hit.
    I suspect she had 'issues'.
    PS - Tam (always lovely) is lovely from the Eight O'Clock as well.

    wv: press - seriously

    ReplyDelete
  30. I busted out at the "Steven Segal movie" post, got some heads to turn at work. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  31. Brigid,

    May I repost this? With credit of course.

    Don

    ReplyDelete
  32. Don - links are welcome on good blogs like yours but not the content cut and pasted (even with credit). When people post content, with the credit a separate statement or in small writing somewhere, it often gets lifted without permission.

    Sassy -Tridium night sights? Can I be your new best girlfriend?

    BK - get a spare, it's always good to have a spare.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Brigid:

    I believe I lifted a paragraph or so of yours (with credit) to start a story. Didn't realize your feelings - won't happen again.
    Q

    ReplyDelete
  34. Quizikle - a few sentences as a lead in to read the link is fine, But I had some people lift whole posts of prose that then were copied word for word by others without credit.

    Thanks for understanding.

    Kirk - Seagal is always good for a giggle.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I put a link to your waffle recipe on one of my blog posts - not copies, just a live link. I figured that would be okay, apologise for not asking first.

    The errant waffle iron has been consigned to the "future target" bucket, I dare not send it off to Goodwill to torment another cook

    ReplyDelete
  36. Great one :-) Sending THIS one to my daughters!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Brigid,

    Did I mention that Steven Seagal is my cousin? :)

    SWModel66

    ReplyDelete
  38. Brigid is FLOGB
    First Lady of Gun Blogging.

    ReplyDelete
  39. 1-5. oh yes
    6. Meh, who watches TV?
    7. Substitute cats and it's true
    8. pretty close
    9. Nah, I'll just escort it outside-spiders eat bugs, so they're ok with me. Scorpions get the bottom of my boot - and I don't need some guy's help.
    10. The way is through his ribcage with a .45 round, but if he don't need killin', a pecan pie is good.
    11-13. Yep.
    14. It was an Austrian bayonet.
    15-21. Yep.
    22. No, those are tools, and they go in the tool room, which is much bigger than the house...
    23-26. Yep.
    27. Unfortunately, I do.
    28-31. Definitely.

    ReplyDelete
  40. 23, 24 & 25 are my favorites ♥.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Alison - glad you liked it enough to share. I think this crappy little waffle iron may meet Mr. C-4. Shooting is too good for it.

    kx59 - oh, you guys are so sweet. My best to you both.

    MAJ Arkay - I probably watch an hour of TV a week. If that. Unless I can watch Red Green or Wallace and Gromit. Scorpions don't bother me, snakes either, but spiders. . oh, spiders have a special place in my personal nightmares.

    Shannon - hey sis. Give me a call Saturday. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  42. I'm in!

    Home on the Range Sisterhood, yay!

    ReplyDelete

I started this blog for family that lives far away. Now that they are gone, it continues on to share those memories.

Comments are welcome,but if you have a fake name, no blog and only comment on the rare occasion to criticize or offer advertising for a business I've never heard of, you go straight to SPAM.