Monday, September 19, 2011
Home on the Range Women
When I wrote the post about the Home on the Range Man, I got more comments on it than about anything I'd written at that point. But several have asked about being a Home on the Range Woman. I had written a short piece about that a while back but thought about it again when I was in a grocery and spotted one of those woman's magazines, You know the ones I'm talking about, where on the cover is some anorexic airhead showing enough skin to make a hooker blush, too much makeup and touting all kinds of articles on how to trap a man by being something other than your true self, and once you have done so, how to CHANGE him so he's some wimpy, henpecked version of the original.
I can "put on my face" in the time it takes to apply tinted sunscreen, cherry flavored lip gloss and a little mascara, and I will likely never go out in public wearing some outfit that costs $500. But it's more than that that makes me a a Home on the Range Woman, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
So with that, how to you know if are a HOTR woman?
1. Any salesman that ventures to your place while the garage is open can't help but notice the man sized target with 50 holes in the chest, head and groin area. For some reason, you don't get many sales calls any more.
2. The day after Christmas you go to the gun range just to see everyone's new toys.
3. You don't think camping involves a hairdryer or a portable TV.
4. You know the value of a dollar because you work hard to earn your own dollars.
5. You don't force your beliefs on others. If you don't want a gun, you don't buy one; you don't demand laws so that NO law abiding citizen can have one.
6. You'd rather watch Mythbusters or Top Gear than Dancing with the Stars.
7. Your dog has more emergency rations than 90% of the U.S. population.
8. Your property is more secure than Area 51.
9. You can fix a toilet, change the oil in your vehicle and put dinner on the table for a crowd without asking for help. If you find a spider the size of a Buick in the bathroom you will, however, immediately holler for backup.
10. You know that if you believe the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you need a geography lesson, but a good pecan pie never hurts.
11. The checker at the local home improvement store knows you by name.
12. The local deli saves up their 5 gallon buckets for you.
13. "Girls Day Out" involves lead residue.
14. You've used a Gerber tool to cut a steak at a fine dining establishment.
15. If the power fails in the local movie theater you can show yourself out with your mini mag.
16. The books on your coffee table include two reloading manuals and a a zombie survival guide.
17. Your knife collection has its own footlocker.
18. You've laughed til it hurt through a Steven Seagal movie and found out afterward that it wasn't a comedy.
19, You avoid opening day of the stores after a holiday, but will journey for hundreds of miles to be at the start of an adventure.
21. Not only can you recognize the sound of a generator from a half mile away, but you also know the brand, horsepower and the kilowatts per hour that it is putting out.
22. You consider reloading equipment as "decorative furnishings".
23. If you need something, be it food, a car or health care, you go shopping for it, or choose a job that provides a means for it. You don't demand that the government pay for it with your neighbors hard earned money.
24. You refuse to place the word "person" after mail, fire, congress, etc., and instead still use "man". You look at some female Congress members and you could definitely think of another word for them, but it's NOT congressperson. That just sounds silly.
25. When you come up against something tough you don't think "who can do this instead of me", you think "how can I handle this".
26. You've shot and field dressed your own dinner more than once.
27. You don't know anyone that voted for Clinton.
28. If you see something that is a threat to you, you think about how to defeat it. You don't plan on how to surrender gracefully while still looking good.
29. People don't come to your house for "tofu croquettes".
30. As a woman, you realize that for some silly reason you are still considered a "minority". As such, you see yourself as someone capable through your own efforts, NOT as a victim in need of government protection, special laws, and favored hiring practices. You can't legislate respect, you must earn it.
31. You can stand on your own, but if you are blessed, there is a day you can look up into the eyes of one like yourself. Eyes the color of a winter morning, holding all the power and magic of the sky. In those eyes you will see the strong spirit of someone who still believes. Someone who still holds on to the hopes and the faith of past generations, when hard work meant something and craftsmanship was its own value, someone who believes that character counts and actions speak louder than promises. Someone that still dreams.