Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Don't Drink and Decorate

We've all had some dwelling in our youth that was less than "tastefully" decorated. But as we grow up and move into adulthood, we sometimes get to experience some really nice places, be it a vacation, our dream home or a honeymoon or first class business trip where you get to stay in a luxury multi star hotel

It was a hotel with good expectations. Highest Four Star hotel rating, fine dining and "new and complete renovation". It billed itself as a "peaceful oasis of sophistication" in a bustling city down south. I had visions of a long swim, or a soak in the hot tub followed by a night of relaxation in soothing decor for the weary traveler. For the price I expected, well , peaceful luxury. Soothing colors, a virtual SPA of a room. What I got was red, black, ultra modern with lots of bright shiny silver and the Bathroom from the OK Corral. It was so ugly I actually called a couple people and described it. Then I walked a careful grid in the room until I found alcohol.

Boring blog fodder for a Wednesday night but I couldn't resist as my friends told me I had to post this.
I will leave the name of the establishment out of here because the wonderful staff, I'm sure, didn't pick the decorator and they were really nice. The bed was comfy and the food, quite tasty (if you don't mind paying $50 for an 8 ounce steak and a side salad). But the room. Oh my eyes, my eyes.!

<----- Maybe there's one of these with the soap and the shampoo.

The lampshade was bright shiny red and brought an interesting red glow to the room. I figured if I got lonely enough I could open the curtain and light the lamp and within an hour there would be five guys looking for a good time at my door.

The extra chair for lounging was comfortable if you were a anorexic Hobbit.
We'll start with the art work. First the one over the desk. Don't look directly at your computer monitor. Medication questions should be posed to a pharmacist. Readers experiencing nausea should leave the post. I called this one, "Road Trip from Hell".

Over the bed was the artists rendition of Cirque de Soleil, but which I called Les clowns sur les drogues. Maybe it's just that I'm not deep enough for modern art.. Maybe I just don't "get" modern art like this guy does.

At least I can turn the one light that's not red off and get a bath.

Maybe not. The bath was painted in Cow Patty Brown with a towel rack that resembled something that I think was leftover from Chain Gang Fantasy Camp. There was no other decor but a stark mirror, some shampoo, soap and such, and alas, no eye mask.

The wall couldn't decide it it was world's biggest padded headboard or padded walls. What wasn't padded was a muted CP Brown and, ever so soothing with the bright red, brown, black and silver. It was a room with the coziness of a dental lab, albeit without the sink to spit.

As I settled in, I had this nagging feeling I'd seen this room before. Then it hit me. It looked like the modernistic furnishings from a scene in Woody Allen's 1973 movie Sleeper. I didn't see the movie when it came out, as I was too young to pay much attention to such things. But I saw it later and remember certain bits and pieces of it.

Hmmm. Let me check the closet. If they have an Orgasmatron in here, I may reconsider my review of this place.

Stay warm. I'll talk to you all soon. - Brigid


  1. Wow! So much suck and fail in such a small place could lead to an event horizon and a black (and red and cow patty brown) hole of design fail!

  2. Good grief, a place like that charges 50 bucks for a half-size steak and a salad? They ought to offer a proper steak dinner by way of apology!

    That hotel might just be an art piece: "Lets throw every single idea anyone ever had into one room and see what sticks!"

    Thanks for taking one for the team, maybe the other hotels will learn from this chain's mistake.


  3. Sam saw the photos and became nauseous: "Eww, that's HIDEOUS."

    When she's right, she's right.

  4. Wow. Somewhere there is an underemployed art student with criminal designs on the innocent traveling public.

    Heh. That would be a great Fashion Crime title: Criminal Designs.

  5. I'm thinking more like "Don't Drink and Do Drugs" when you decorate.

  6. Oh, my! Maybe you should send their address to "What Not To Wear" for hotel rooms.

  7. That room looks like it rents by the hour.

  8. I may only see in 16 bit colors, but even I was pained by that color scheme. What in the heck were they thinking?

  9. What's even more astonishing is that someone got paid cash money to design that color scheme. Probably some pretty serious cash money.

  10. Borepatch - BIG cash money. It was all new and this was a four star hotel.

    Rev Paul - Sam has good taste.

  11. Brigid,

    Seeing the decor, it occured to me that maybe there is even hope for me in this world! After all, someone make money doing it! Maybe I will take up interior design next!


  12. Hmm, looks like it could of been decorated by a color blind straight guy trying to suprise a girl friend! Wow. That would throw a serial killer of his stalk.

  13. SWModel 66 - I remember a recent stake out where you inquired as to your garb being appropriate for the location. heh! You could make it in design but given the whole shoot and save the world talent, I'd keep my day job.

    Matt - 3 nights here, it's enough to make someone take up light beer.

  14. Don't know about the don't drink and decorate, but it sure looks like someone was on some mind-altering drugs when they did that.

    Sheesh, that's just plain get-me-out-of-here nauseating..

  15. Looks like a Marriott to me :-) LOL

  16. Old NFO. IF you turn of all the lights you can pretend it's a Marriot.

    I'm not sure what time zone it is, but it's time for sleep. Talk to you this weekend.

  17. That's why I never stay any where over 50 bucks a night. As long as it has a clean bed, and a hot shower I'm good to go. I could care less if the decorator was blind, with the money I saved I can afford a real stake dinner. "$50 for an 8 ounce steak and a side salad" is criminal. Out of the hole story that's what would of made me move. The only way I would payed $50 for an 8 ounce steak is if it was served by a topless waitress.

  18. Hmmmm, looks like some color blind cleaning person got confused. I'll bet that if you checked the rest of the rooms, you'd find the matching sets.

    Odd shot of a redheaded reflection in the glass.

    My RR lodging was pretty nice. Looks like an old southern mansion. Trip going CAE-ATL-DTW on schedule.

    Have good trip back.

  19. "Odd shot of a redheaded reflection in the glass."

    I saw a creepy bearded weirdo. Then I realized my monitor is shiny.

  20. Sounds like what happens when New York Chic-du-Jour seeps out of its lair and invades the rest of the country.

  21. Why is there a...

    What the f...

    Is that really r...


    Just no. Because, no.

    Hope you brought a mask that it doesn't engender nightmares.

  22. Brigid - Thank you for saying I have good taste.

    I don't see how anybody could 'relax' in a room like that, the pillows alone look like they would be stress-inducing if you look at them too long.

  23. Sam - well welcome young lady!

    I'll be wanting to try one of your recipes one of these days.

  24. That Hyatt hotel in the Citadel in downtown Charleston? Same kinda weird decorating thing going on when I was in for a commander's conference. Maybe it is a New South thing. Pricey over-hyped restaurant as well.
    Your blog makes me laugh and reflect on things good and bad, past and present. Please keep it up. I'll have to try some of the recipes when I get back to the stove - ML

  25. I can bet that. A hotel I stayed at in New Orleans once had MIRRORED hallways on the guest floors--seriously--floor-to-ceiling mirrors on the walls of hallways that twisted and turned. It was like trying to go through a carnival funhouse, and it was a bitch even before I hit Bourbon Street for a night of drinking. (Late at night you could hear drunks bouncing off the walls in the hall.)

    I even saw the place a few years ago on an episode of "Cops"--they were snaring hookers in the rooms. Somehow, after staying there, I was not surprised. "Three stars" my ass.

  26. And you could sleep in that room! With no artistic nightmares? WHOA!


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